I should give up.  No more trying...

To post in Xanga. 

Not much on my mind. I was just browsing my own Xanga when I saw this.

"Hi kslghost! It's been 558 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga... won't you support us by going Premium?"

I thought to myself... "No. It's been 558 days and I haven't "gone"
Premium yet. Why would I go Premium now? Silly...

So I do have an interesting story. It's not that interesting, but I'm sharing it anyways, to show the unluckiness of my friend, Frank.

So he goes to his new apartment today to start moving his stuff in. Turns out his place is not in particularly good condition. He has this ghetto fridge that's all dirty and stuff. His land lady is pretty horrible and won't replace it, despite the fact that every other apartment pretty much has a new one. In addition, his roommate's parents are extremely picky (I was there listening to them nitpick, but I am not surprised by that. It's normal.) and expect perfection out of the place. I'm not exactly sure why they would complain a particularly large amount about the security of the place - its not like they're bringing in a bunch of nice stuff. It's on the second floor, and if a person wants to break into a place, they can pretty much break into any place they want - it just might take a little more effort.

One thing they complained about was this window being a security concern. Its a tiny window, that opens up by pushing outwards (as opposed to sliding). There's no way a person is climbing, let alone breaking that window. But I'm really digressing a lot.

So the land lady essentially just left the lease there to be signed by whoever. I don't know if signed, important, legal documents are usually left around like this, but that's pretty weak.

So after we've moved his mattress (which wasn't easy because they were full-sized, there are no elevators, and the stairs are narrow) and his boxspring, she basically tells him that she doesn't want them living there anymore because they're too much of a hassle. I think that's pretty ridiculous that she would simply not fix a couple of small complaints about a place that was pretty filthy as it was (the kitchen was in horrible shape). It's also an unusual financial move by her - several hundred dollars of fixes for about 17000 in guaranteed rent?

Whatever. At least he's more happy about getting out of the situation rather than having to deal with it.

I don't know, that's just my "lame" story of the day.

After reading my crappy last entry, I decided that I wouldn't write again until I actually had something interesting to write about.

After realizing that may never happen, I decided I would bullshit another entry. Sorry for the language.

I got into one of those interesting conversations about religion with someone the other day. I always enjoy these conversations because its definitely something that two people can argue about and never make headway in one direction or another. It's really just one opinion versus another. And as we know, *opinions* can never be incorrect.

This was a little bit more one-sided. It was more about how the other person's friend was saying that a true Christian shouldn't be friends with non-Christians. Wow. I hope I don't offend anyone out there, but that person is pretty crazy. Ok, I'm sure I've offended someone at least a little bit. But I'm not sorry about this one.

Let me go over what is wrong with this:

#1: You should never judge whether a person is a friend or not with religion being an absolute qualifier. I don't care about what your beliefs are in this case. It's downright foolish to be focusing on this one aspect of a person. Even if your only purpose in life is to serve God (which I see a lot of people say, but a lot sure don't do it in practice) and there is nothing else in this world that matters at all, you should not be saying that. I mean, it's certainly fine if most of your, or even all of your friends are Christian. That's the difference between saying "All my friends are Christian," and "I will not be a friend to a non-Christian." That's a pretty big difference.

#2: Religion is often the product of environment. When a person is raised in a poor neighborhood, do you hold it against them? When a person is tanned darkly, do you hold it against them? I sure hope not. When a person is not raised in a Christian household, do you hold it against them? As my friend said, she was not, but is Christian. Yes, its not always a result of the household you are raised in, but oftentimes it is. And to hold such a thing against a person is pretty ridiculous.

Let me reiterate the audacity of what this person said. He said, to be a true Christian, you cannot have any non-Christian friends. I don't even know if this person would be able to live this way!

Now let me say real quick, that this has nothing to do with Christianity itself. I could replace all these words with Muslim, German, Black, Smart, or Tall, and yet, these statements essentially make the same sense (albeit not gramatically). Isn't that quite interesting?

Ideally, we all choose what is best for us in life. But sometimes, I wonder. Obviously, this next topic is very unusual in the way that I pose the question, because 99.9% of the time, we would choose both.

Would you rather have a girlfriend/boyfriend you were proud of to have as your girlfriend/boyfriend, or one who has a lot in common with you? (I will use girlfriend from here on, just to save my hands a little bit).

Don't answer too quickly, because its a trick question. In fact, its very tricky because I'm actually saying that you have to choose either a girlfriend you are proud of to have and yet have very little in common with, or a girlfriend you have stuff in common with, but you are not proud of to have as your girlfriend.

Initially, I asked myself this: Why would I not be proud of my girlfriend? These things came into mind: She's an ex-convict, she's CRAZY, or she's really, really loud. But I'm sure YOU could think of a lot more... I'm just not going to dare write it down.

Don't think too hard about this though, it's totally just food for thought. But to put it another way, let's say you were a girl who was an engineering major and an aspiring singer. Would you choose Andy Roddick or William Hung? Which one's which? (I'm an idiot).

This is actually two things. On friday, Frank, Nick, Kevin, Johnny, Aya and I all went to Target Masters in Milpitas to shoot a couple guns. I figured this would be a lot of fun, and it was. It's also a little scary. I mean you seriously have the ability to take away a life in your hand. I mean, when you hold a knife, you aren't accidentily going to stab someone, twist the knife, and stab them five more times. But with a gun, you could accidentily double-tap (shoot twice quickly) and kill the person behind you (its happened of course). Worse off, the gun could not go off, you could wave it around, and it would then proceed to fire! Let me first say I will never have a gun in my house if I ever have kids. There's a lot of ways for there to be an accident and have someone die foolishly. But yes, its still fun shooting a gun.

Speaking of dying, Aya was persistently asking me how much porn I watch a week, and how many times I masturbate. Now I'm asking the ladies out there, how many of you actually want to know this!? Ok, so Kevin Kim answered in a flash, but I just can't answer this question straight. I mean, how can a girl ask me this? HOW!? Now I'm going to have like a dozen girls ask me just to haggle me. Sigh. Or none, but I'm not sure which is worse...

So everyone, Aya wants to know how much porn you watch and how much you masturbate. If you feel comfortable, go tell her.

What's Kevin been thinking about?

Well, he's damn tired after cleaning the shit (literally) out of a place he isn't living. Hopefully, it'll be worth it when we get our deposit back. (I'm shifting from third to first person at random... Yay).

Besides that, I think I'm in the mood to listen and think about the past. Listen = music. Think = dream. Rob's been downloading some 90s and earlier music, and I think its kind of weird hearing these old songs after not hearing them for like 8-10 years. I think music goes through evolution faster than most things in our lives. The beat, sound, and ambience of that old school music just creates a different mood. Try listening to some Real McCoy or something a little unusual like that and turn it up. You'll see what I mean.

Part 1: Past, present, or future? What do you live for?

I've wondered if I live in the past, present, or future many times. I've never really pinpointed it. I think that I live mostly for the future, because I'm always looking forward to events like new movies and games, as well as new technology. I have a lot of hope for the future in terms of the geeky-techy aspect (no, MY future is still beyond the horizon... its only been two days).

But I also think I live in the present. However, I must admit that I've never really "figured out" what that means. I think, for the most part, it means that you don't want what you have right now to go away. And that's how I feel a lot of the times (like when I have someone to make smile... *see one entry earlier), but that's only when I'm content.

Of course, if I'm discontent, I want parts of my life to change. That's when I get lost. I think that I start looking to the past for answers instead of charting out my future. For instance, I think about how life was better yesterday or the month before, instead of having the confidence to look into the future and figure out what will make me happy. And thus, I think I get caught in somewhat of a cycle because I'm referring to the past to schedule out my future. I want what I had, not something new.

But in retrospection (fake word?), everything looks better. I think I'll start telling myself that. After all, one month ago seemed like it was great. And with homework (dreaded homework) staring me in the face now, everything seems better than tomorrow. So the future (near future at least) is bothering me. I've got a lot of work to do coming up, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for summer (which is essentially me half-assing a course while chilling the rest of the time) to end. Let's pray that I'll swing around and look to the future soon... !

Part 2: Misinterpretation

It's funny when people try to infer something about what you've said before. I'm trying my best to self-analyze, and some people try to get something out of my entry (singular since there's only one) when there's nothing really there. I mean WTF!

HAHA! I'm just playing (she'll know I'm talking about her).

Part 3: Is this boring to read?

So I realize my entries are quite long. I doubt that most people would sit through and read the whole thing. For those that have, thank you for reading my thoughts. Now you know my deep psychoanalytical thought process. Sure...

What's funny is, if you brought any of this up with me, I'd very likely go, "HUH? Wut u talkin bout?" Yes, that's right. Kevin forgets what he writes about and what he wrote within 24 hours.

Now for a reward: This is my favorite Xanga entry so far!

"fighting...gr." - jenni

Yay! I should read her other entries to figure out what she's talking about.

And another one I found interesting:

When you're young, your whole life's about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious. You can break a bone or a heart, you look before you leap, and sometime you dont leap at all because there's not always someone to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net.

When did it stop being fun and started being scary?

-Mary MEEOW

Haha, now I'm just jacking stuff! But there's a grammatical error in that last sentence. Tsk tsk.(+ have I seen this before?)

The end.

I've decided to start actually writing significant stuff in my Xanga. I'm not sure why I would suddenly start doing this, but I guess I felt my Xanga account was a waste sitting there unupdated with not a single meaningful post.

I've always frowned on the way some people Xanga religiously. I feel that its a way for people to simply reach out to everyone without trying that hard. But now I do see it as a great place to vent on what you're thinking about at any one time. I don't necessarily see it as a place to update what you do every day. That's kind of boring to read, unless you've got a life about the opposite of mine (something a tad exciting). The people who should know what you do everyday do.

Part 2: A recycled idea

Anyways, on to what I'm thinking. I'm pretty much thinking that life is kind of like a long car ride. It's mostly boring. I think I'm doing 45 on the freeway right now. But just like a car ride, I'm looking at my destination and where I've come from, with plenty of stretches of empty road behind and ahead of me. Sure, there will be the occassional "never-ending hole" or some fruit farm to look at, but its mostly just road. And yes, there are bugs on the windshield.

Doesn't it feel like you're just being pelted by those bugs? Those little things that nag you. Like the electricity bill. Or the fat water bill that gets dumped on you every six months. But those are little bugs.

Then there are the flat tires. You know, the broken relationships. The failed midterms. The moving from one apartment to the other. There seem to be a lot of those.

So when you get five flat tires in the middle of the desert on the I-5, what would you do? You'd replace them, because you're aiming to make your destination, and there's no other place to go. I think that's a decent summation of what my life feels like right now. I'm only moving to reach my destination... which of course, I don't know.

Have you ever looked at someone and just wished they were happy? You know, the one girl who looks sad, and you want to see her smile instead of sob? I've gotten that kind of feeling a lot. Whenever I look at someone, or I read about someone who is sad, I just want to make them smile. Have you ever been the one person who's able to make a person smile? It's possibly the best feeling in the world, but its also a very difficult one. What happens if you leave that person at the wrong time, and now they're sad because of you?

Right now, there's a person who I wish I could make smile.

Wait, I take that back. There are a lot of people, but one in particular. I've noticed that she seems to be sad a lot, and its somewhat like what I wrote just above. I don't know her that well, but I think that with my current situation, I feel that I have a lot more in common with her emotionally than one might think. However, I'm not really sure if there's anything that would help her other than than what is obvious by what she tells the world. I would try, though.

I do hope there is though, for her sake more than mine. I do wonder if she'd know I was talking about her, assuming that she read this. That's probably something I'll never find out.

However, in reference to my earlier point, I think that I need to make someone smile. It makes me smile. It makes me feel like I'm making someone else's life better. At least it might keep me from making my own life worse...